Journey of my fall - A letter.

    I remember that starry night, you sitting beside me on the sledge of our balcony. Sipping down beer and smoking alternatively. Choked with emotions and eyes filled with pain. You took me to revisit the dreadful memories of your past. A relationship, that you valued the most.

    I remember how awful you felt, while refreshing those moments, but still you gathered all the courage to tell me everything about it.

    I remember and I felt the pain when you explained me, how you were mentally exhausted and abused, while trying to keep your relationship alive.

    I remember our struggle to carry yourself out of that relationship.

    I remember every message and call from that person, lying in your phone’s blocked list, which were made to harass you and continued to abuse you.

    I remember, I used to read all those messages and calls from the blocked list. My intentions were not to spy on you but to understand the pain and trauma, you were going through. I am very proud, the way you held yourself through all of it.

    I remember, then looking myself all over your call lists, messages and social media accounts. My name in bright and bold at the top of your contact list. I felt lucky, to be the only person, you wanted to talk to, your home, your everything.

    I agree, it wasn’t easy, but definitely not impossible to get you out of your past and take you to the brighter side of life, where the sun could shine on my sunshine. I strived hard to not let you visit those past memories and you stay happy with all the love that I could shower upon you.

    Filling the dark void of your past with all the happiness, I never realized the sand slipping off  my feet. Today I can’t breathe among these people in your blocked list.

An overthinker

“I am not dying here.

I am okay.

You don’t worry about me.

Concentrate on yourself.

Stop overthinking.”

How can I not worry about you, when you are my sunshine and my dreams sets with your thoughts.

When you lost your dream job, you cried for life. After all it was an end to a journey, which you strived for so hard. Among all, I felt that pain of yours and couldn’t stop myself from sharing your tears. You had lost the hope in your career. While managing my career, all I could ever think was to bring back the hope and boost you back on the career path.  Did I overthink then?

You were down with fever and someone from your family should have arranged a doctor’s visit for you. However, I couldn’t stop myself and drove down to take you for a doctor’s visit. Did I overthink then?

You know what I overdid then? I overloved and overcared you.

The one who overthinks, is the one who overloves and overcares you.

Boulevard of broken dreams

He couldn’t feel more complete with one hand on steering wheel and the other hand, snuggled down by the love of his life - his wife. Long drive on a rainy day is one thing they both always craved for. The only reason for purchasing an automatic drive was, so he doesn’t have to hold the gear stick and she could snuggle into his arms while driving. Steering around the city and countryside, they decided to return home at dawn.

She was very happy with the surprised long drive, which she yearned for long time. On returning home, he pulled her into the shower. He was quite an environmentalist, when it comes to save water by sharing the shower *wink*. He excused himself from the shower and instructed her to finish and wait in their balcony. She got very anxious by his uncanny move. She loved surprises and he never misses any chance to freak her out. He quickly changed to a boxer and moved out of the room. She also got into his white long t-shirt. His clothes are where she finds comfort in.

Holding their favorite red wine bottle and 2 wine glasses, he stepped in to the balcony and asked her to settle down. He perfectly knew how to plan such romantic surprises for her. Pouring the wine, they settled down and got comfortable into each other’s arms. Sipping down, they both stared at the cloudy sky and the drizzling rains. After getting a bit tipsy, he stood up and lifted her to hold her in his arms. Then he walked towards their bed and placed her down very gently. She couldn’t have asked for any more romantic end to this day. She was super excited to dive into his libido, as they moved closer to each other.

“Noooooo” he screamed, which brought him back to reality from the dream. It seemed like this dream was a nightmare for him. Hearing the scream, his mother walked into his room to check on him. She advised him to sleep well and left.

‘How can I sleep, when someone else is living my dreams?’ he exclaimed and dug his face into cushions, so they could absorb his tears for rest of the night.

Inception of illusion

“Hey, does this look good?” he paused his walk and turned his attention towards the voice from kitchen. His sister was holding the cake; she baked for their parent’s anniversary. He appreciated his sisters baking skills and continued his walk.

Soon they all gathered in the living room for cake cutting. Even after persuading by them, he sat a little away and opposite to the direction, his parents and sister were sitting. They cut the cake, clapped and congratulated the happy couple. He tried to look content and jovial while they fed the cake to each other. Then a hand tapped on his shoulder making a jingling sound of bangles. He looked across his shoulder and followed the sight of green and golden bangles to the dimpled smile. She was standing there wearing his favorite salwar suit. The twinkling mangalsutra and red bindi on her forehead added to her angelic beauty. Her sight cheered his face as lit. “Come, let’s feed the cake to mom and dad” and she pulled him out of the chair. They both fed the cake and took his parents blessings. His sister pulled her phone and asked everyone to gather for a family selfie. The entire family stood together with him putting his one arm across his mother and other across his wife. After few clicks, she showed the pictures to her brother. He swiped the pictures back and forth with wide eyes as if he is looking for something in them. “Ain’t the pictures good?” his sister quizzed looking at his expressions. “Look, how beautiful this picture is, all four of us together” she said pointing at a picture. “Four of us!” he exclaimed.

He couldn’t find her in the pictures. She was missing from the family picture. No, she was missing from the family. No, wait, she was missing from his life altogether.

He was stuck in the inception of his illusions.

Unsaid emotions

Ek hi toh dil hai...

Kitni baar tootega...

Abhi toh sambhla tha...

Ye ab phir phislega...

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Toote huve aaine mei...

Apna aks talaash raha hu...

Tere aaj mei, mai...

Apna beeta huva kal talaash raha hu...

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Kya itna aasaan hai bhul jaana...

Kya itna aasaan hai bhul jaana...

Toh zindagi bhar yaad rakhne ki kasam kyun khaate ho...

Agar itna hi aasaan tha dur jaana...

Toh phir laut kar kareeb kyun aate ho...

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Woh akhri ansh tha mera...

Woh, akhri ansh tha mera...

Jo neelam ho gaya...

Ab toh zinda rehte...

Mere umeedo ka qatl-e-aam ho gaya...

khush rakhe khuda usko…..

Wo bewafa hai to kya mat kaho bura usko…

Ki jo huwa so huwa khush rakhe khuda usko…..

Nazar naa aye to uski talash me rehna….

Kahi mile to palat kr na dekhna usko……

                                                             ---- Naseer Turabi

Main hazar gile kar sakta hun kyun ki mujhe haq diya tha usne…

Magar tum use bewafa kaho aisa tumhe kaha kisne…

Kabhi puja tha maine jise aaj uske liye galiyan bhala kaise sunun…

Jiske liye main bunata tha duaon ka libas uske liye baduaon ka kafan kaise bunun….

Wo meri zindagi thi.. wo khud ko hi barbad kar gayi to bhala kya kahen….

Haan magar jaate huye hame wo bata jati to achha hota, ki uske bina hum kaise rahen…

Magar mujhe aaj bhi lagta hai ke wo laut aayegi…

kahegi maaf kardo mujhe aur mujhe gale se lgayegi…

Uske sath bitaye huye dinon ko main bhulaun to bhulaun kaise…

Jo meri dhadkan ke sath dhadkti hai usko main yaad aun kaise….

Koi use yaad to dila de ki kitna khush wo raha karti thi sath mere…

Dur ho kar usne kyun thukra diye, Kya use sacche nhi lagte jazbaat mere….

Kabhi mere naam se uske chehre par muskan aajaya karti thi…

Wo bhi ek waqt tha jab wo meri ek jhalak paane ke liye tadap jaya karti thi….

Koi gunah tha to hame saza deti hum hans kar use kubool kar lete…

Wo deti agar zahar to hum hanste huye use bhi apni ragon me bhar lete….

Magar na kuchh kaha na bataya aur hamse dur chali gayi…

Jise mana tha zindagi apni usi ke hatho meri kismat chali gyi….

Wo bhale hame bhool jaye magar hum use hamesha yaad rakhenge…

Uske jinta Koi bhi khas nahi hoga… hum har kisi ko dil me uske baad rakhenge…..

'I am sorry'

They were meeting after a long time. First time after she informed him about her return from this city and their relationship. After going away from him, she couldn't wait any longer to come back, look into his eyes, touch him, hold him so tightly that nothing could apart them. She was waiting as her death wish was getting fulfilled. But when the moment arrived she couldn't think of anything else than rolling her arms around him, dig her face on his shoulders and cry unstoppable. She wanted to scream loudly, explain the situation to him in every possible words but she couldn't find any appropriate words than 'I am sorry'.